Lord, I know You know how I feel.
I know You haven't forgotten me.
I know You're here, right in the midst of all this. I've seen you many times. I see you every day and I know You're working stuff out, working me out.
I wish I knew some more answers, but honestly, I don't care. I'm tired of trying to figure things out and want to leave it to You. I kinda think You're taking your time, but whatever, I guess what we have is time. I still don't understand it all, but it doesn't matter.
I get you, Lord. I get You. I know You're all powerful and all that and You really and truly know what You're doing, I just don't know what You're doing with me. It's so hard for me to go with the flow. This doesn't feel like flow, it feels like a rushing river that I'm trying to swim in.
On the other hand though, it's been surprisingly calming and quiet sitting at the computer for hours on end just typing and getting all this stuff out. I'm very okay with it at the moment as long as the kid next door doesn't start playing his music. I can't stand it; it's just so annoying and gives me a headache. Give me the grace to just handle it, Lord - all of it.
I'm looking at Cody right now. He's such a crack up. He's sleeping across his bed that's too small for him. I've bought him at least five beds in his life and two have been too small. I forget that he actually stretches out fully when sleeping. He doesn't seem to mind though. His back legs are hanging off one end and his head is on the floor on the other end, but he looks pretty happy. I love it when he's sleeping, hears me coming and sits up with a mashed face on one side to see if we're going walking outside. So funny. He makes me chuckle every single day - he does his job, well, Lord. Thanks for giving him to me. To us.
You do Your job well, too, Lord. You do. You've amazed me so much over the years with the big things You've done for us, and the little things. You've taken us places physical and emotional, but You've always brought us back. I've had to put my trust in You physically when those overseas trips were just too overwhelming, and I've had to put my trust in You emotionally...well, all day, every day and whatever happens, that'll never change.
My need for You will never change. You are my greatest gift - are You a gift? Well, yes, but You are my greatest joy, love - You're the love of my life, Lord, and I just want to live my life loving You back. And I do. So much. So very, very much.
I don't know where this is coming from today, but I feel like I've been talking to myself and others out there for four days solid. I guess I just wanted to talk to You directly today and say, I love You, I'm here and I'll do my best. Thank you for trusting me with this, I trust You, too.