Monday, 6 May, 2013
I just re-read one of my posts and I'm upset. I can see my heart on a plate and I can see the pain.
It's hard to put yourself out there with the possibility of being hurt, or worse, not being heard. What's the point of talking if nobody hears? It makes me want to crawl back into myself and let the world go by. I mean, does anybody really care? They've got their own stuff to care about and isn't this the day and age when everyone looks after themselves and nobody else? Harsh, but very often true.
Perception is a huge part of an emotional journey. I've always tried to keep things in perspective, but sometimes I've been so raw I haven't wanted to be fair, logical, rational or whatever. I've wanted yell and scream and smash things in an attempt to make the pain stop.
That's what it's all about in the end...making the pain stop. And when you can't, you freak out and do things (and say things) you never thought you would. It's scary sometimes. Been there?
Ignoring everything doesn't work either - tried that.
Acting out is useless - tried that.
I've tried ignoring everything and acting out at the same time - didn't work either!
Talking about it helps, but there's so much to talk about it overwhelms everybody. Andrew's to the point where he can't handle it any more. He's been amazing, but it's been really hard on him because it's a highly emotional journey and he's not a highly emotional person.
That's the problem though - I'm going through this and I honestly don't know what to do!!
(If any one said that to me now, I'd refer them to May 5's post)
I think all along Andrew has just felt like he hasn't had the skills to deal with it. Neither have I, we've just made it up as we've gone along. It's all you can do...
And trust that He will lead you where you need to go.
To do that you have to pray, be in the Word, read books and listen to people like Joyce Meyer, talk to friends, talk to Him yourself - basically be open and position yourself, so He can talk to you.
Oh, and listen to music. For me, He talks to me a lot through music. Worship music's the only thing that's gotten me through sometimes. It's because it's spoken directly to my spirit and sent a message down there that I've needed to hear.
I love worship music because it washes and refreshes. Washes and refreshes...we do it with our clothes, so why not with our spirits? And our emotions?
Life happens and we throw our clothes in the wash. We should throw our spirits and our emotions in there, too, to be set to rights, so they can be put into action again. Who wants to wear stinky clothes? Not me.
Ah, washing and refreshing.
Big breath though, I've still got a long way to go.
Big breath though, at least you've done five days, Debra. Good for you.
I've noticed the change in five days, actually. My mind is still whirling with things I want to say and want to talk about, but not with the same voracity or desperation. It's calming to know there's somewhere those thoughts are going to go and it's also calming to know that...
It seems weird because I seem to be talking a lot about actually doing something in the midst of a crisis (an instant one or a lingering one) but I think it's an important thing to really understand.
When writing, my thing is - what's the message for today? What do I really need to talk about today and get out? Or realise? Or just get down?
Maybe today it's just doing something. And yesterday, too. Doing something.
You can always do something, even if it's just hold on. That's doing something, trust me. Holding on's exhausting, let alone doing anything else on top of that.
It comes down to survival in the end and survivors survive because they do something. The ones who give up perish and live very unhappy lives. It's hard to bolster yourself all the time, but you can do it, you can.
All you need is trust in God and trust in yourself. Hey, that's a new one, do you trust yourself??
Do you trust yourself?
Wow, that's a big question.
I trust myself, not in everything, but in most things.
Exercise is one thing I don't trust myself with. I make promises I don't keep and then I feel bad. I mean I want to get out there and exercise, so why don't I do it more? At the moment I'm better with exercise when it has a purpose, it's enjoyable and I don't make promises to myself about it as to how many times a week I'm going to do it.
Food is another thing I don't make promises about. I trust myself with food, but not in all situations. "Okay, we're going out tonight and I won't eat too much." And then I eat too much. Not so much so that I'm stuffed I can't think straight, but just too much when I'm trying to watch my weight. Food and I and trust are still working on that together.
Craft is something I trust myself with. I go with my instincts, I finish projects, I don't force things that aren't working; things like that. Craft, trust and I are well-versed and good friends.
One thing I've found really hard to deal with over the years is follow-through on social situations and social occasions. I've (we've) made plans to do things or see people and I get to the appointed time and freak out about having to actually go and do it. I think it's because my intentions are good; I want to see people and spend time with them, so I make plans, but my emotions (for whatever reasons and they've been varied over the years) have just reacted and said, "No, don't make me do it!"
Sometimes it's not the actual situation itself, but the planning for it, i.e. taking the food (Oh Lord, can you feed me in heaven for all eternity, so I don't ever have to go grocery shopping again?). As a natural planner and organiser, I know I'm under stress when I can't plan or organise anything easily, and if I have to, I end up in a huge mess.
Ah yes, I'm sure we've all been there. Looking around at ourselves and our situation and saying, "This is not me...this is so not me."
I've had to cut myself a break over the years and just withdraw. Sometimes you have to do what you have to to just survive, let alone thrive. I did say to God in the last year or so though that I'm tired of surviving and I want to start thriving. I want to start living again.
Anyway, interesting. It's interesting to look at your life and see what areas you trust yourself in and in which areas you don't.
So, I don't trust myself fully on follow-through with social things, but I do trust myself on follow-through with projects I've set for myself to do.
And God knew that when He suggested we do this.
He knew I'd follow-through.
I knew I would, too.
I trust Him with it.
I trust myself with it.
Do you trust Him?
Do you trust you?