18 May 2013

30 Days - Day 18 - Finding Me and Sowing in Tears

I'm freezing! My hands are cold, my nose is running and my eyes are watering - not good! Oh, and there's a big yawn...

It's early - and I don't have much time. Today is one of those days where we're leaving the house early and not coming back until late. It was always going to be tricky for writing - I've tried to push it out of my mind and just wait until I got to this morning to see how I'd fit it in and what would happen.

I feel like I want to say something today. Don't know what it is, though, so that's useless.

(Think, think)

Infertility has been about me finding me, really. Is that stupid? Does that make sense? I'm asking myself those questions...

Finding me, how?

Finding out who I am...

...what I'm made of (and what I'm not).

...what makes me tick.

...what stuff means something to me and what doesn't.

...what makes me explode and implode.

...what I can handle; what I can't.

...how I problem solve and how I don't.

...what my expectations are of myself, others and God.

...what I need and what I don't.

...what I want and what I don't.

It's been a big learning curve about me.

It's been a big learning curve about us, too. Us as people; as a couple.

Infertility changes who you are and who you thought you'd be. Physically - not a dad, not a mum - and emotionally - just...changed.

That's it in a word, it changes everything, and sometimes it's a lot to handle.

Changes

Adjustments

More changes

More adjustments

I remember grieving that I wouldn't be a mother in my twenties...

...and I left my twenties ten years ago.

All of a sudden (actually not all of a sudden, I was conscious of every passing year)...I turned 40 this year. This I know, I won't be a mother in my thirties.

I won't be a mother in my thirties!

I'm not a mother and I'm 40!

Sometimes these things have been the only voice in my head...

You're not! You're not! You're not!

In God though, I know - I am! I am! I am!

Over the years I've listened to music very loud. Good music...but very loud. I've had to, so it was louder than everything else in my head. The whirling and swirling would only be quietened that way. Depending on what the music was, or how I felt, it would take about 15 mins for my mind to stop racing and for my emotions to quieten down. I'd be crying usually, but I was set back in the right direction...towards Him.

Makes me teary thinking about it. I've cried a lot over the years. I used to think that those who "sow in tears will reap with joy" meant that if you cry, you'll reap joy.

Not true!

Those who sow in tears will reap with joy.

What's sowing in tears? It's setting your heart in the right direction - towards God - and saying, while you're upset and crying, things along the lines of...

I trust You, God. 

I love You. 

I know you have good plans for me. 

They are seeds. They are showing God (and you) where your heart is and where your focus is. What you believe in (Him) and what you don't (your circumstances).

It doesn't change your immediate reality, but it changes your future.

Seeds are planted, so there has to be a harvest.

Let's just say I've sown much!

It's late now and I have to go.

Have a great day - see you tomorrow.

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