Well, I've been up for ages and I've given the dog a really good pat and scratch, cleared out the email inbox and had a chat with Andrew. Written nothing though, let's see if I can change that.
What do I want to say today?
That I'm finding going through this (feeling everything, dealing with everything) and writing about it at the same time quite challenging.
That I'm only halfway through the 30 days and it seems like a long way to go yet.
That I'm wanting to face things head on and retreat and face nothing all at the same time.
That feeling the pendulum of emotions swing back and forth is nothing new really.
That the life of an infertile couple can be a roller coaster of emotions on the best of days, let alone the worst of days.
That I wish I could go back to bed because my eyes are watery and stinging.
That I want a string of sunshiney days in a row because I can't take much more of the gloomy weather.
That yesterday was a sunshiney day and it was the best thing ever.
That I love it when I don't have to fight the weather to get my washing dry. Wash it, hang it up, get it in a few hours later - done...and dry.
Did I mention I want to go back to sleep?
I want to finish the book I'm reading. And finish the photos I'm doing. And the cross stitch I'm working on. I only did 12 stitches in an hour last night because even after checking and re-checking where to put them, I got them wrong, and had to pull them out and re-do them. Rats.
And I want to iron. I hate ironing, but not when I'm actually doing it, unless it's some big doona cover or tablecloth so huge it won't fit on the board. Otherwise I don't mind it - when I get to it. I like hanging the clothes up on the rack nice and pressed. I like looking after Andrew by ironing his shirts for him. I like the quiet and the therapeutic sway of the iron as it goes across the fabric. Sometimes I listen to something while I do it. Sometimes I stand in the laundry, in the quiet and just iron. Do you ever stand in the quiet and do just one thing?
It's very easy for us girls to think that multi-tasking is the way to go with everything. It is with some things, but it's not with others for me. I know I get more done, and more quickly, if I just concentrate on one thing sometimes.
I've been working on my photos before and I've been so distracted by the TV I've had to turn it off. Other times I've enjoyed having the TV on as I've worked and it's added to the fun of it all.
It's dependent on what I'm doing, really.
Journalling - thinking about it, writing it down = no distractions allowed (unless I'm writing a really small amount).
Organising - thinking about it and making decisions = no distractions allowed. Can't think with all the noise of the TV and can't hear it over all the boxes banging anyway.
Planning - no distractions allowed. Can't think.
I'm talking about these things in relation to scrapbooking and crafting, but they apply to all areas of my life. If I'm re-organising the kitchen cupboards I'm not going to have the TV on. I'd actually have music on in that situation. If it's motivating me, that is. If it's frustrating me, goodbye.
I hate noise pollution. Even my own noise is pollution sometimes, so I turn it off.
Why am I talking about noise, distractions and multi-tasking?
Because I can't handle them right now. I need to concentrate on one thing and one thing only.
I can't do much else other than do this writing every day. Sure, I've got washing and ironing to do and soup to make, but other than that not much else. And that's on purpose. Two reasons - can't, don't want to.
That being said I've got two very full days coming up and I don't know how I'm going to do them and this at the same time. I really don't.
Physically how am I going to get my writing done?
And emotionally? Well everything takes its toll right now. It's the way it is. It doesn't mean I end up in a big heaping crying mess...it just means I know when I've hit the wall and it happens a lot more quickly at the moment.
Actually, that's not true. It happens as quickly as it has for a while, it's just that at the moment I feel tired more than anything. Before I used to feel frustrated, annoyed and ready to get back home after only being at the shops for an hour or so.
So, I'm up early this morning - to type before I leave for the day. I'm typing - but I don't think what I'm saying is particularly earth shattering. My promise was to show up for 30 days in row, not to be earth shattering. It's because my earth has shattered that I'm here.
Infertility can be earth shattering.
Grasping for straws.
Do you think all of this is woe is me?
It's fact; it's the way it is.
It's something that needs to be dealt with because it's devastating.
It's my reality and I need to deal with it.
Nobody talks about it (not even Andrew), but I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. And even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd still need to talk about it. And even if I adopted a baby tomorrow, I'd still need to talk about it.
Adoption cures childlessness, it doesn't cure infertility. A friend told me that and I know what she's saying. There's still pain involved with being infertile even if children come into your life...
So, like I said, I need to talk about this. If it's too much for you, then it's obviously not for you. Hey, it's too much for me, and I have to live it, and write about it, while I'm still living it.
I'm going back to bed.