I'm in a new place.
Don't know what it is exactly, or what it means.
I think the space I've made in my soul and heart over the last 14 days has created space for older emotions to come up and be expressed. This journey's been a long one and it's no wonder there are things, long ago things that are still a part of me.
I guess this whole thing will always be a part of me - I just want the memories, though, not the emotions. Not the grief.
I read a book once that mentioned 'the river of grief'.
I feel like I've been here before - I've seen those flowing waters and I've baulked not knowing what to do.
I think back to the pioneers who went west in the early days of American settlement. If they arrived at a swollen river, they camped alongside it until it went down. They lived and waited. They washed, ate and kept themselves busy...and waited. Of course the time drew near when it started to go down and invariably someone tried to cross it before it was safe. Lives and possessions were washed away - sometimes never to return.
Other ways to cross a river?
Build a bridge over it.
Build a raft.
Swim across if you can.
Drop a log across it.
The solutions are all options, but they don't fit every river crossing. The rivers are different, the people are different - not all solutions fit all.
I think I'm at that river of grief again.
I don't know what particular emotions I'm feeling right now, I just know I'm feeling deep things. Ones that have been there for a while.
I think it's good, but it's not what I was expecting.
I thought the room I'd made in my life basically would be filled with new things - good things - I didn't realise it'd be filled with a whole heap of other feelings/emotions etc etc. I hope I'm explaining that properly. It's hard to explain to myself and then Andrew, let alone type it on here and explain it as well. I'm doing my best.
All I can say is, I'm dealing with stuff. I don't know what it's about, I can't figure it out (don't want to, don't care, can't - it's exhausting and I won't do it right now) and that's all I can say.
I watched both sessions of this - Trusting God When You Don't Understand - from Joyce today and as she says, no questions but...
I trust You
I believe You love me
All things work together for good for those who are called according to Your purpose
I don't have a lot of questions for God about what we've been through. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt in my cupboard. I know it's fruitless and realised that years ago. My faith in God is based on who He is, not what He can do for me. I trust Him (maybe not enough, maybe not fully, I don't know), I love Him and I know He has the best for me.
I think I'm just going through the process of grief. Maybe again, maybe on a different level, who knows? It's a process, that's what I think, and I've just gotta go through it. I don't even know what that entails, either. Whatever.
I'll just get up every morning, do what I have to and go to bed every night. I'll cry when I need to, sob when I have to and keep walking in between. I don't care what it's about, I'll just go through the process of feeling it, so it can work itself out.
That's all I know.
That, and that I'm in His hands. Better be, because I've got nothing in mine.