Today feels like praise day and remind-myself-of-what-God-says-about-stuff day. I'm fine and not upset or anything, I just feel like writing some verses down.
I've got a lot of verses typed out and stuck to the inside of my wardrobe doors in the office. When I'm in there (and when I'm not a lot of the time) those doors are open and I see the verses. I was just in there before doing something and got stopped in my tracks with this one.
But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength.
They will fly high on wings as eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
It was the 'wait on the Lord' bit that got me. I've been doing a lot of waiting.
I need to use that energy not to just wait, but wait on Him.
Honestly, with all this writing it's like clearing out all the dust in my emotions, so I can see, really see, what I want do and where I want to go.
I mean, I know all this stuff - I've read these verses many times, I've read my Bible, I've prayed, I've believed, I've done it all. But over the years I haven't cleared out (enough) along the way and I've become stuck (emotionally). It's like an avalanche, really, overwhelming and kinda hard to get your bearings in, but I've done my best and I'm ready to do the rest.
All the good stuff's been in there, but so has the bad. What we're doing here is getting rid of the bad, so the good can rise to the surface and start driving, and keep driving...for good.
I mean, I knew my emotions were backed up, and I thought I knew why, but God's been talking to me a lot about clearing things out, and moving things around, so they fit me where I am now.
Yesterday after I published my post, I found myself clearing out my scrap cabinet in the living room. The half an hour I spent there a couple of days ago showed me a few things needed to change, so yesterday I changed them. I didn't get rid of much stuff, I just changed the containers things were in and moved them around to be more accessible.
I don't know if the new system is exactly what it needs to be, but when I get back there (hopefully in the next couple of days) I'll scrap again and find out. If it works, great. If it doesn't, I'll change it again.
I've realised that with organising that you don't have to know if something will work before you give it a go. You just try it. Nobody says you have to have all the answers - you just try things and change them until they work for you.
That's what it's all about - changing, until you find what works.
(In this situation with my scrapping organisation I could give different things a go because it didn't cost me anything. I already had the containers I used, so it was easy and was just a matter of shuffling them all around to find the best combination that worked in there. Buying something you're not sure will work is an issue, I know. Unless you can take it back!)
Back to the verses on the doors...I read the Isaiah one and then the others (not all are verses; some are phrases).
This is good stuff, I thought, I need to read them more often. And not just read them, but spend time with them and let them sink in and permeate my soul.
Oh, they're in my spirit alright, that's not a problem. It's my soul (my mind, will and emotions) that needs them. I've always believed deep down in my spirit about God and His ways. This infertility journey has been about me beating my emotions in line to line up with that. Truly, that's how it's felt! Like a battle to get myself to line up with what I truly believe.
Here are the verses and things:
I don't know God's plan, but I know He loves me.
Whatever He does will be good and I'll be blessed.
If you believe, you will see the glory of God.
Not, "What should I do?"
But, "What will bring You glory?"
When you're in an impossible, or a seemingly impossible, situation you say, "What am I supposed to do? What am I to do?"
Another way of thinking about it is to not ask what you should be doing, but, "What will bring You glory, Lord?" Even if it's just praising Him out loud for a couple of minutes, and telling Him you love Him, you're bringing Him glory in those five minutes. And sometimes five minutes is all you can do. That's okay, just do it. And then the next hour, do the same. And then next hour, do the same. Then the next day, do the same. And then the next day, do the same.
The next week, He might lead you to do something else; He might not. That's why it's called a journey, because you keep moving, and try to stay patient when you're stuck at a station for a long time. I've found it's pointless, too, to ask about the stops along the way. Just a tip there for ya. I just pull out my cross stitch and get to work (I don't know what I'm going to do when I finish that monkey, probably crochet).
So, when you don't know what to do, just do something (anything) that shines the light on Him and not on your situation. Something that shows Him (and yourself) what you truly believe, not what your emotions are telling you.
It's hard, I know, because emotions are so puuuullliing - they pull with such intensity that it's hard to see above them...but you don't have to see above them, because you're below them. You, the real you - your foundation, your spirit - is what your emotions are on top of and it's just a matter of going in the way you truly believe in your spirit. Your emotions will have to follow...when it's time. Remember, sometimes these things take time because God wants us to remember how it felt maybe, or because we just need the time for other things to line up...whatever, time is usually needed.
And just because nothing is changing, doesn't mean nothing is changing!
I worked this out years ago and said to Andrew, "Well, God is obviously not interested in changing my circumstances; He must be interested in changing me."
God is a God of change. He likes change, in fact He loves it. We like it, too, but we always want Him to change our circumstances to be nicey, nicey, put together, easy and explainable. Anybody, anybody?? Yep, that's me. I don't understand this, Lord!
BUT He's more interested in changing us through our circumstances. And probably through those circumstances not changing!
I've always found the limbo hard. For over 11 years we've been walking around Baby Neighbourhood and up and down Is-It-Our-Turn Street. We've seen a lot of other people settle down and make their homes there, but it's like we can't find the right house. The car's parked and we've got our suitcases, but where's our house? Are we coming or going? Moving in or moving on? Like, which one is it, already??
Limbo - makes me breathe in deeply, that does.
It's in the limbo - the not knowing, not being sure of the future, not having a clue of what's to come - that I've really looked to God and tried to rely on Him.
Recently Andrew said to me, "Everybody has to do that in their lives, not just us. Regardless of who they are, or where they are, nobody knows what's to come in their future, so we all have to rely on Him in a big way regardless."
Wow, talk about hitting it on the head. That comment changed a lot for me. He's like that, Andrew, he pulls years' worth of heartache into a concept, puts a full stop on it and we're done. He's done it so many times now that I just expect it from him when we're talking :o)
Here I was thinking that I'd be writing all these verses down and leaving it at that. I knew I'd write a bit about them (hello, I always have something to say), but I didn't expect to only get through a couple. I shouldn't be surprised; I didn't expect any of this.
What I've loved about this writing time is the rest time that God's scheduled in. Rest time for my brain. For years my mind has been whirling and swirling with everything about everything - it's just been exhausting. And yet, through this big writing push, I've had more brain rest than I've had in years. That's because when I write, I work; when I don't, I don't.
When I'm writing I think about what I want to say and type it. When I'm off the computer, I'm not allowed to think about it.
I'm not allowed to think about it???
Makes me exhale deeply, that does.
(A lot of things make me inhale and exhale quite deeply, have you noticed? Hmmm, I'm a big sigher...a big expeller of emotions through sighing. My mum and my sister are the same)
Yeah, so in the in-between times, if I catch myself thinking about things to write (good or bad, it doesn't matter), or getting anxious about it for any reason, I make myself move on. I don't think about it and just keep doing what I'm doing. Not always easy, I've gotta say, but I feel like I'm in training to think differently...and in more ways than one. Anyway, so I'm in training. Training to turn my brain off.
Little did I know this huge amount of work would give me a huge amount of rest, too. Time on. Time off. Time on. Time off. Before it was 'Time On' only. Wowsers.
Rest, rest. It's all about finding rest, as well as finding answers. Gotta love how God hits so many needs with one thing. You're amazing, Lord, and I can't say that enough.
Anyway, I'm done today. I've got so many other verses up there that I want to type out (see? My teacher, planner heart always tries to plan tomorrow!!!), but we'll see what happens.
See you tomorrow; my brain will be on holiday until then.