The title box just says "30 Days - Day 1 - ........ " at the moment. That means I don't know what this post is called yet. I don't even know what I'm going to write about.
I think that's a part of His plan actually; write daily and don't plan what you're going to write about. It's very hard for me not to plan in advance because I'm a planner by nature.
Every job I've had in my life (except for working the Woolworths checkout when I was in Uni) involved planning and preparation. God knows that and this time He's said there's no planning allowed. No lists; just writing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here blankly with nothing to say. In fact, after I wrote yesterday's post my mind was swimming with thoughts of things I could write, wanted to write, thought I could write and what I actually wrote. That's nothing new though, my mind has been swimming with writing stuff for years and I have been writing it down in lots of different forms. This time, this is the form, and 30 days is the duration.
(All those years have been the preparation, I've just realised. I mean, I knew that, but they've been preparation for a lot of things. You don't need any more preparation time, Debra, its action time. You don't need to plan either, that's a time waster in this case. Just go for it. Okay, I'm going for it)
It's hard, I don't know if I can. Wrong. I know I can do it, I don't know if I want to. I know I want to, but I don't know if I want to. I know I want to, but I don't know if I can.
It makes me sigh.
30 days, how am I going to do this for 30 days?
(I'm slotting this in here on my last read through before I press Publish. I got up at 5 am to start writing this morning and I've been going ever since. I've had breakfast, brushed the dog and done three loads of washing, but the rest of the time has been writing. It's now 3:20 pm. That's what I mean by the 30 day duration - it's obviously going to be a huge time investment and I'm not sure how it's going to work out. I've been going 10 hours so far today, my neck is getting sore and I still haven't started my day officially. Not complaining, just saying. I've got pages of writing from today that I've cut and pasted out of here and onto a Word document because they're obviously not what today is about. Today is about Physical v Emotional Healing; it just took me hours to get through all my thoughts to find that out. These things are obviously taking time to work themselves out from in amongst all my emotions and I'm trying to give them the time they need to sort themselves out on here. Anyway, that's why I was thinking...)
30 days, how am I going to do this for 30 days, particularly on the weekends?
The time it's going to take is a bit of a concern - the physical time, yes, but also the emotional time and the emotional investment. That's where the trust comes in. I need You, Lord; I need You to help me do this.
A day at a time, that's all I can do.
I'm doing it for two reasons. One is His. One is mine.
His - He said to.
Mine - Because He said to and because I want to get somewhere.
Okay, that was two reasons for me. Actually, it's two reasons for both of us.
His - He said to and He wants me to get somewhere.
Mine - Because He said to and because I want to get somewhere.
He wants me to get somewhere emotionally.
I want to get somewhere emotionally.
Like I said yesterday, my emotions are backed up. And they're specifically backed up in relation to infertility and being childless; which basically means my whole life is backed up. You know us girls are all spaghetti inside and everything relates to everything? Yep, it's like that.
Physical Healing v Emotional Healing
A physical wound can be physically attended to, observed and monitored. You know, you can see it.
Oh no, there's a gaping hole; we need to stitch that up.
Oh no, there's pus, that's bad, there's an infection there; we need to fix that up.
Oh no, there's a rash; we need to put some cream on that.
You know, you can see it, feel it, monitor it and keep track of it.
Emotional wounds are harder to deal with. They can't be seen, monitored and fixed in the same way. They're hidden, they're ambiguous and they're layered. The one thing they have in common with physical wounds though is that they hurt. And they hurt badly.
I obviously have emotional wounds I'm dealing with. I don't know what they are specifically. I know there are a lot because there just are. I'm a highly emotional person (a good thing, too) and I've been knocked around a lot emotionally. I feel things very deeply and sometimes the pain's been so bad I've not known what to do with myself honestly. I've just survived by doing what I've needed to do to get through the day.
I am very aware that there are worse things in life and people have it harder than me, but this is my story and I can only tell it how it's been for me.
I once read about a lady who really struggled with her weight and at her heaviest was about 72 kg. Now, in the grand scheme of things, 72 kg is not that heavy, but for her, it was. She talked about her self-discipline, her faults and failings when it came to food and I knew her struggle was very real and very hard for her. She felt all the same things I did with my weight and I was a lot heavier than her. I've been on my own weight loss journey over the last 2 years and I know what it takes to lose weight and maintain it, not reach your goal (I haven't), struggle with it all and all that comes with it. So why would I dismiss Miss 72's story just because she weighed less than me?
One thing I've learned through all of this is that pain is all the same...we often feel the same way about things; it's just that our circumstances are different. Or our story, our issue, our problem or our situation; they're different.
Of course there are different levels of pain, too, and different tolerances of pain.
Some people have a very high physical pain threshold, some don't.
Some then must have a very high emotional pain threshold, while some won't.
Some people have wonderful physical abilities and capabilities, some don't.
Some then must have wonderful emotional abilities and capabilities, while some won't.
Andrew's going through the same infertility journey as me and he's walked it very differently. He's a different person, he's different emotionally and he's a man.
The basic difference with us is that he hurts if he brings it up; I hurt if I keep it in. That in itself is a path we've had to navigate in a bumbily and stumbily way because basically I only just quantified it like that in the last year or so after a revelation while we were talking.
"Oh, so that's why you don't talk about it. It's not that you don't feel it; it just hurts more to talk about it."
(That said I truly believe you can't get through anything without acknowledging it and talking about it and dealing with it. He's done that/still trying to do that; just with a lot less words than me)
Anyway, different levels of pain, different stories and different circumstances - we're all people, we all have our issues and we all hurt. I read Miss 72's book because I wanted to see what she had to say. It was good and it helped. I'll revisit it again when it's time. It's just not time right now because food is an emotional thing for me. I feel like I need to get the emotional stuff in order to help me get the food stuff in order. You know, work from the inside out.
I feel like God works on issues with us from the inside out.
I'm up to the emotional part and I'm assuming the physical part (properly) will come next. There's been leap-frogging involved, and some overlap, but I think SEP makes sense.
I lost 16 kg in 2011 with Weight Watchers. I think it came off easily enough because it was nothing weight. It was just there and wasn't really attached to anything unreasonably emotional, but then I stalled.
I've never been one to get on the scales my whole life. I don't know how much I weighed when I got married or anything like that, but I do know how much I weighed on our tenth wedding anniversary. That anniversary was a critical point in our emotional baby journey. I've not been able to get under that weight since and I think it's attached to the emotions of that whole time that I haven't processed yet.
My goodness though, I've talked about all this stuff over the years. I've written about it, talked to Andrew about it, cried about it and talked about it again a million times. What could I have possibly not processed?? I don't know; we'll see.
Maybe it's not unprocessed emotion; maybe it's an unprocessed solution.
Emotional stuff comes from unprocessed emotion. Things happen to us and we can't (for many reasons) process it and it hangs around and affects us every day. It gets in the way. It pokes us, prods us and tells us we're beaten. It's not a nice way to live. It's a burden, a real burden.
The natural course of life should allow us to process and deal with that emotion, so why can't we? Why don't emotional things just fix themselves? Our bodies do, don't they?
Okay, so here it is; the Physical Healing v Emotional Healing thing again.
God has put things in place in our bodies to deal with physical hurts so they heal.
We cut our leg; it heals itself.
We bang our leg; it bruises and heals itself.
We scrape our leg; it scabs over and heals itself.
Some things are worse:
A broken leg gets set and heals itself (with some medical help).
A gaping hole gets stitched and heals itself (with medical help).
Unfortunately, some things can't be fixed like a crushed leg that can't be saved. The person can be, but a part of them can't.
The more severe the injury, the more help is needed to fix it. And in turn then, the more work is needed from us to get over it. Kinda obvious, but true. Through all the stages though, there's stuff working for us that God put in the make-up of our bodies to help us heal.
There's stuff He designed and put in us to help our bodies fix their physical injuries. I can't quantify them right now because I really don't know what they are and because I really want to say...
...what's the stuff He put in us to help us fix our emotional injuries?
I have to relate back to the physical stuff at the moment in order to get my thoughts straight...
The cut on your leg stings for a bit, you put a band aid on it and go about your day. It doesn't affect you much.
The bruise on your leg appears and you think, "When did I bang that?" You press it to see if it hurts (it does a bit and then you wonder why you pressed it), but you don't worry about it and go about your day. It doesn't affect you unless you bump it again. You don't have to do anything to fix it; it fixes itself. Pretty marvellous, really.
The scrape hurts a bit. It stings when you wash the dirt out of it and you shed a tear because you hate hurting yourself. You fix yourself up, get a kiss from your husband and go about your day. After the initial pain it doesn't affect you too much.
Gaping holes and broken legs are a bit more serious. This is where the big guns are needed. We've needed the middle guns in this house due to Andrew's torn hamstrings and sprained ankles from soccer. Regardless of the guns, it's the extra help needed to give you the healing you need.
My basic point is that God put stuff in our physical make-up to help our physical hurts heal. Sometimes we need to get varying degrees of outside help, but the stuff He put in is always at work.
My next point is that He's had to've done the same thing with our emotional make-up to help our emotional hurts heal...
And I want to know what they are!
Do the things He's put in our emotional make-up work by themselves, too?
Well, yes and no. They can't work if they're not set in the right direction. You can't break your leg and expect it to fix itself. "I can't feel my leg! I can't feel my leg!" It has to be set in the right direction, so the body can do its thing.
Same with our emotions - they need to be acknowledged, righted and set in the right direction (sometimes with outside help) and then they can fix themselves? Yes? If they can?
Do our emotions fix themselves with no intervention from us?
Um, no, I don't think so. Time is not the healer of all wounds. Time is the healer of (most) wounds that have been dressed.
It's like the classic misquoted Bible verse: Money is the root of all evil.
1 Timothy 6:10 says, "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." NIV version (italics added).
Semantics matter. They change the meaning and understanding of everything.
Time is not the healer of all physical wounds.
Time is not the healer of all emotional wounds.
Time is the healer of (most) physical wounds that have been dressed.
Time is the healer of (most) emotional wounds that have been addressed.
God is the healer of all wounds that have been dressed and addressed. He's in charge of the time and place (sometimes heaven); I just have to be willing.
Okay, I'm talking about my wounds here. My, I-can't-believe-I'm-40-and-I'm-not-a-mother wounds.
They hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm hurting because of our situation, and also because of my actions. I've obviously thought stuff, felt stuff, held onto stuff and not let go of stuff that I've needed to, and still need to.
Also, it's not our fault, but we have to deal with the reality of it anyway and I'm saying...
...that God can heal those wounds, and oh my word, He's the outside help! I know that, I KNOW that, of course, I know that, but it all just fell into place right then in the context of this post!!
He's got the knowledge - check.
The understanding - check.
The wisdom - check.
The treatment all lined up - check.
What have I got?
The stuff that He put in me as a human being that helps my emotional wounds fix themselves IF I get them (my emotions) in the right direction with a bit of help from Him.
And what direction is that?
Outward towards Him instead of inward on my feelings about everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Upward towards Him instead of downwards on our situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's it, get 'em in the right direction and you've got something to work with. Think of that broken leg - set in the right direction, so the body can do its thing.
Think of those broken emotions - set in the right direction, so the soul can do its thing, and set things to rights, so you can get back in the game and kick some goals! Woo hoo! Oh wait, that's physical, but you know what I mean :o)
Kicking goals emotionally is what we're aiming for. Being out in the game, fit and ready to play. And then playing, of course, and kicking those goals.
And you know if you're not on the field, don't you? You do.
If you're in the treatment room, getting treatment, good.
If you've been subbed off to give someone else a turn for a while, that's fine.
If you're not even in the vicinity, you've shoved your uniform in the cupboard and you're as far away from the cheering as you can be...well, something's going down...with you. It's okay, you can fix it. With God, all you've gotta do is put your uniform on and show up. It's not easy, but that's not a surprise. Nothing hard is really easy, is it?
He might send you onto the field straight away.
"What? But I'm not ready!"
Or He might send you into the treatment room to get those kinks worked out by someone who knows what they're doing.
"What? But this is going to hurt!"
"Yes, it's going to hurt, but once the kinks are gone they'll be gone for good. Better short pain now than a lifetime of it."
Or He might send you up into the grandstand to pick up rubbish.
"What? I'm better than this!"
"Yes, you are, but I need the rubbish picked up and I'd like you to do it. Will you?"
He might get you to mow the grass.
"What? Maintenance, I hate maintenance, I want to play!"
"I know you want to play, but you've got an attitude. You need a bit of time to think about it while doing something good at the same time. People with bad attitudes might play, but they don't win, so are you going to mow or what?"
Gosh, he could send you to run the canteen.
"What? I hate cooking and how's that going to help me lose weight? I want to take it off, not put it on!"
"Yes, I know you hate cooking, but Jim needs some help in the canteen. He loves cooking, but he needs help with ordering and organising everything. Do you want to help or not?"
I could go on, but I think you get my drift.
Fixing all this emotional stuff is not fun, but it's worth it.
I want to get out there and kick some goals, you know? I'm happy to do it on the field, by myself, with no one looking for goodness sake. I just want to do it for me.
Goal! Goal! Goal!
If God, Andrew and a few other people saw 'em, I'd be happy :o)
(To back track a bit - the soul is made up of the mind, the will and the emotions. Joyce Meyer told me that)
Anyway, back to those emotional things God put in us to help our emotional hurts heal....
What are they anyway?
Fight or flight - or is that physical?
Are they our emotions - anger, fear, justice, mercy, empathy - the ability to feel?
Our free will?
Hmmm, wondering and pondering.
I think I'm done for today, I need to go think about this some more (and research it) and come back to it.
Have a great rest of the day :o)
PS. Please excuse any mistakes or inconsistencies. I've been over and over this to make it readable and legible. It's starting to swim before me now. Swimming in my head and swimming on here. Just trying to make sense of it all.